I'm so sick of dating. I hate it. It's just a big mess of feelings, emotions, decisions, highs, and reality checks. And still I somehow continue to like boys. I've given up time and time again, but somehow I still always manage to like a boy again. And why? who really knows? sometimes I think it's just because I like to make things harder on myself. And even though I'm about to go on a mission it's not like I want to completely shut myself out right now. So somehow the boys I want to be deterred by me going on a mission aren't, and the boys I want to like me don't, am I still just choosing the wrong boys to like? Also if I started dating a guy I would put off my mission for them, I mean come on. "I thought my heart had learned it's lesson, it feels so good when you start out, my head is screaming get a grip girl, unless you're dying to cry your heart out". OH MY GOSH. I should be on the show my strange addiction because I have an addiction to dating, boys and drama. I'm supposed to be leaving, why am I even thinking about boys? I don't know maybe it's like that thing when you tell someone not to think about something and then of course they automatically do. Maybe that's what's happening to me. I'm telling myself not to think or worry about boys so I'm just rebelling against myself and am thinking and worrying about boys. I'm just so sick of it all. "Cupid's got a shotgun aiming at my heart, I've been dodging bullet's I've been hiding in the dark, sawed off double barrel trigger happy as can be. Cupid's got a shotgun and he'r pointed it at me." -Carrie Underwood, you know my life too well.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Skinny Jeans and the Honor Code
if you hate the honor code so much, just leave. I'm sure there are people who would gladly take your place to go here and be offered such a good education for so cheap. Compared to other universities and especially if you have a scholarship you get to go here practically for free. Do you ever even think to consider for even a moment how lucky you are to be here? millions of people would do anything for this kind of opportunity. But because you can't do it while looking like a bum off the street you complain. It's an honor code you agree to abide by, and for me it's a very small price to pay for the wonderful blessings I have received for being able to go to this school.
I'm seriously disgusted by the amount of students that are whining about the honor code. OK so they banned skinny jeans from the testing center for like 5 seconds. They aren't banned anymore. They made a mistake the people aren't perfect and don't claim to be. Be mature and GET OVER IT. I can't even believe what students are saying. I understand how people can get frustrated with the hypocritical air that can be seen here at BYU schools. But EVERYONE is a hypocrite. Especially people who try to be good, because we can't be perfect right now even though we can try. We can all be frustrated with hypocrites here but you better stop focusing on the beam in your brother's eye and start recognizin the mote in your own.
We have so much to be grateful for. Attending schools like these is a huge blessing.
I'm seriously disgusted by the amount of students that are whining about the honor code. OK so they banned skinny jeans from the testing center for like 5 seconds. They aren't banned anymore. They made a mistake the people aren't perfect and don't claim to be. Be mature and GET OVER IT. I can't even believe what students are saying. I understand how people can get frustrated with the hypocritical air that can be seen here at BYU schools. But EVERYONE is a hypocrite. Especially people who try to be good, because we can't be perfect right now even though we can try. We can all be frustrated with hypocrites here but you better stop focusing on the beam in your brother's eye and start recognizin the mote in your own.
We have so much to be grateful for. Attending schools like these is a huge blessing.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Accepting, Forgiving and Emotion
Today started out really rough. I was getting really annoyed and frustrated in my basketball class and anger started to build up. It's been building up in me quite a bit lately. People would annoy me over stupid things and I've just felt this anxiety and anger build up in me and I don't understand. But I think I now know why. I judge myself. Whenever I feel annoyed at someone or something that I know shouldn't bother me, I try to fight those feelings all that I can and then when I don't win the fight I get even angrier and I direct all that anger and frustration at myself. I feel like I should be better than that and I think my main problem is I expect myself to be perfect. I realized today though that if I just accept those feelings and realize it's ok that I'm not perfect, I don't actually get angry with people or as annoyed by them. This whole semester I've been struggling with the fact that I'm not perfect and I didn't even realize it. Because it was never the people that actually annoyed me so much, and fueled my anger and anxiety, it was my frustration with myself for allowing myself to get annoyed.
Today I read in the Doctrine and Covenants and it said "I the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive but of you it is required to forgive all men." And today I realized that, that applied to forgiving myself. At the temple this morning I prayed and begged for forgiveness for my shortcomings and for allowing myself to be.... human. And I felt like God's response was hey I still love you and always will, I forgive the humble and sincere and you are forgiven of your faults, you're the one that needs to forgive yourself.
This also lead me to another realization, which don't get me wrong I've had this before, but today I needed it more. That my opinion is the only one that matters and that me accepting myself is what's important and that when I do that others will accept me more too. It's just that lately I have felt very judged by roommates and friends at different times. They joke about me being an angry and mean person. And regardless of whether they mean it or not, that hurts because I try so hard and I'm my own worst enemy enough without them riding my back too. It shouldn't matter what they think and how they see me, because I know who I really am and I know I'm actually quite a nice and loving person and that people who really know me can attest to that. But then again I'm human and sometimes peoples opinions of me bother me.
In my actors and emotions class, we've been studying and going over the different emotions. We are being taught to accept them and let them happen. I thought that was weird at first, and by going over these emotions I have learned that I try to box them away and hide them from others and myself. However this class and life this semester has proved to me that it is better to accept them for the movement and then you can move on. They won't pop up again later as anger or anxiety within yourself. Emotions are a part of our human nature. I'm accepting that. I am after all... human. And I'm not perfect. I've realized problems I've had for a long time have come through not accepting myself, or not accepting a situation. Acceptance really is key. Acceptance doesn't mean I'm terrible and can never be better so why bother? it means this is who I am now, and that's ok, I can slowly get better over time. Acceptance means this is my situation and thats ok. Acceptance means this is the emotion I'm feeling right now and that's OK. And Ironically the more you accept, the more you can control.
Today I read in the Doctrine and Covenants and it said "I the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive but of you it is required to forgive all men." And today I realized that, that applied to forgiving myself. At the temple this morning I prayed and begged for forgiveness for my shortcomings and for allowing myself to be.... human. And I felt like God's response was hey I still love you and always will, I forgive the humble and sincere and you are forgiven of your faults, you're the one that needs to forgive yourself.
This also lead me to another realization, which don't get me wrong I've had this before, but today I needed it more. That my opinion is the only one that matters and that me accepting myself is what's important and that when I do that others will accept me more too. It's just that lately I have felt very judged by roommates and friends at different times. They joke about me being an angry and mean person. And regardless of whether they mean it or not, that hurts because I try so hard and I'm my own worst enemy enough without them riding my back too. It shouldn't matter what they think and how they see me, because I know who I really am and I know I'm actually quite a nice and loving person and that people who really know me can attest to that. But then again I'm human and sometimes peoples opinions of me bother me.
In my actors and emotions class, we've been studying and going over the different emotions. We are being taught to accept them and let them happen. I thought that was weird at first, and by going over these emotions I have learned that I try to box them away and hide them from others and myself. However this class and life this semester has proved to me that it is better to accept them for the movement and then you can move on. They won't pop up again later as anger or anxiety within yourself. Emotions are a part of our human nature. I'm accepting that. I am after all... human. And I'm not perfect. I've realized problems I've had for a long time have come through not accepting myself, or not accepting a situation. Acceptance really is key. Acceptance doesn't mean I'm terrible and can never be better so why bother? it means this is who I am now, and that's ok, I can slowly get better over time. Acceptance means this is my situation and thats ok. Acceptance means this is the emotion I'm feeling right now and that's OK. And Ironically the more you accept, the more you can control.
Everyone's doing it.
So I decided to start a blog. All of my friends have them and I enjoy reading them from time to time and thought maybe someone out there might enjoy reading mine. However I also thought that maybe I could share some of my experiences and struggles in life on here and that maybe, just maybe someone out there could be helped. Honestly though I think I'm doing this mostly for myself. I wish I kept a better journal and I think that this sort of counts and it's a lot faster than writing in pen. And I think this could really be therapeutic for me and I just felt like I should do it.
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